Afraid to sleep

Monday 15th April 2019:

I’ve just realised last night was the first one since my funny do that I didn’t worry about going to sleep. I just drifted off like your average Joe, not a care in the world…kind of.

Previously, I’d been afraid to close my eyes for fear I might not wake up again. I’d lie still, trying to relax, but would become increasingly aware of my heart beat until it was thumping louder and harder in my head, almost like it was trying to escape…pretty hard to ignore. And let’s face it when the pump for your whole body fails you it’s not difficult to understand why you obsess over it. But last night, after settling under the duvet, I didn’t even think about it once, or check my heart rate on my watch. Ignorance really is bliss.

Victoria, one of the Heartbeat nurses, told me to try and disregard my heart rate during rehab too and instead listen instinctively to my body. If I feel ok I probably am…cue more treadmill running and today for an extra 30 seconds than on Friday. I dream of running a mile again…but for now it will have to remain a thing of fantasy.

Walking and going up and down stairs continues to become easier though and my kidney infection seems to be responding to the antibiotics. No more trips out with a hot water bottle in tow…just as well given I left it in the bloody cinema the other day. Come to think of it I did wonder what that thud was as I got up from my chair to leave, but I had been watching Dumbo so I passed it off as an elephant sound effect.

Today was pay day which I had almost forgotten about as I feel so far removed from work at the moment. Getting back to the grind will be the ultimate tonic for me. Once I can return I’ll know I’m fixed. In the meantime, I’m keeping my fingers crossed as a few of the news stories I wrote last year have been put forward for online awards (watch this space) but my current goal is merely to watch my children enjoy an Easter egg hunt or two over the holidays, without feeling too breathless or exhausted.

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